Ok, just a quick update on what i was up to for today.. So I did some groceries shopping today, and went to the bank just to update my phone number. After that, i decided to have my hair cut, and it turned out to be quite...clean and short i guess, but it doesn't really matter to me anyway since I'm tired of taking care of a longer hairstyle. Will upload my photo soon! :P
Anyway, I already have ideas on my upcoming posts, and the titles are mostly going to be 'Is being a singer a dream worth dreaming?' and 'Fat VS Skinny'.
Tell me which one you're looking forward, so I can work on it first ;)
Stay tuned for updates!
Cheers,
Xmalcolm
I have been so eff up with assignments n tests these couple weeks. I was so busy rushing with three assignments + 2 tests. This seems to be my very first time to have each subject with assignment and test. As I'm taking 4 subjects this semester, thus 4 assignments + 7 tests. Really wanna vomit blood! Luckily this time around, I considered myself 'not very' last minute! Well, some people still considered myself VERY LAST MINUTE! =_= Honestly, since this is my first semester studying in Australia, I think it is way better than the previous semester when I was studying in Malaysia, as I will only start my assignment at least 2 or 3 days before the due date, but of course cramming for it without getting much sleep .*Faint*. Anyway, now I'm done with all assignments n tests, well at least for this semester. Having said that, it also means that EXAM IS AROUND THE CORNER! OMG, it's like a never ending progress..But let's just put exam aside first, as I am going to talk about my feeling.
Recently, I feel like I'm having identity crisis. Well it's nothing serious though, it's not like I'm having psychology issues and whatnot. It's just that I wish I am following my passion and putting all my efforts and hard work on things that I love, rather than putting all my efforts and hard work on things that I was not interested in the first place. I felt like I was not given the opportunity to find my passion, thus leaving me no choices but to do what I'm currently doing. I often feel unhappy about this as this is an ongoing torture for me at the same time, having to undergo all of these for years. Sometimes, when I check my facebook, i felt envy to those friends who are doing what they are actually into, in terms of photography to other professions like dancer, hairdresser, or even doctor. As for now, I'm so stuck in my current situation.
After all these years, never in my life do I ever get number 1 in any situation. The best achievement so far is getting 4th rank in my academic during my senior high school and having to live with all the comparisons and stuff, I'm just sick of those. Frankly speaking, if you are not number 1, in many cases, u are nobody. Well this is what I felt of the society, even my family members used to think of me like that, or perhaps it's only my immature thoughts of them on me. Honestly, I am the type of person who really care about how other people look on me, and I hate being underestimated, especially by family members. Although it is still tolerable when people criticize us, since we couldn’t control their mouth and that’s their opinion, but as for family members, it is intolerable for me because family members should accept whatever we are and continue to support and embrace us whenever we needed them the most.
Having said that, the life in Australia is completely different with Malaysia in many aspects, in terms of lifestyle, food, weather, entertainment and most importantly the currency exchange rate! From the first day I stepped into this Kangaroo country, I marked it as my new chapter of life with new environment, new challenges, new lifestyle and whatnot. I tried so hard not to care about anything other than my studies and three months have passed since the day I came and I survived so far. Until recently, it came to my attention that I have lost a lot of weight, as many of my friends when meeting me were quite shocked seeing me being so much skinny than before.
Honestly, I have never in my life being fat before, but at least when I was in Malaysia I’m considered skinny but not this skinny. Before I came here, I told myself that in Australia I’m going to be a low profile person, don’t care about looks, don’t need to always be well groomed when going outside as no one knows me, and my mom also kept reminding me that I’m here to study, not being a model or celeb. However, when I looked in the mirror, I started to feel many changes in me. It’s like I’m out of character as I’m in rare form. As for friends who really knew me, they would know it’s not the norm cause I’m doing things that I normally won’t do. The way I look is totally the opposite of what I was before, which makes me feel insecure. I used to have a self-esteem problem and it has somehow disappeared, but it seems to come back again.
Somehow, I felt I need to find myself back, as this is not myself. How I wish I can tell myself the old me’s gone as I feel brand new, and if you don’t like it, Fuck You! But I couldn’t, as I couldn’t live in this lie. I’m not being who I am, and it’s torturing not being myself for quite sometimes. Nonetheless, I need to regain myself in a way that could adjust in this new environment and strengthen my self-control. Thinking back on the days I had before coming to Australia, I just realized how blessed my life was with good caring friends that not everyone has, able to travel quickly and conveniently with car and abundant entertainment options, just to name a few.
People often say that sometimes we need to experience a loss to be able to appreciate what we have and that’s what I’m experiencing right now. Either in Indonesia or Malaysia, I’m able to have satisfied everything that I want and I need at the same time. Although in Australia, I have everything that I need but not everything that I want, I’m still grateful that I have the opportunity to study here and experiencing different cultures, environment and whatnot. Life is all about making choices and in order to make choices, sometimes we have to sacrifice something for another great things. Hence, I have to stop complain and learn to be grateful for things that I have instead of things that I don’t have, as the number 1 enemy of being grateful is taking something for granted which makes us forget how miserable it would be if we didn’t have it. Thus, being grateful makes us see the bright side of life that turns us into positive people.
Recently, I feel like I'm having identity crisis. Well it's nothing serious though, it's not like I'm having psychology issues and whatnot. It's just that I wish I am following my passion and putting all my efforts and hard work on things that I love, rather than putting all my efforts and hard work on things that I was not interested in the first place. I felt like I was not given the opportunity to find my passion, thus leaving me no choices but to do what I'm currently doing. I often feel unhappy about this as this is an ongoing torture for me at the same time, having to undergo all of these for years. Sometimes, when I check my facebook, i felt envy to those friends who are doing what they are actually into, in terms of photography to other professions like dancer, hairdresser, or even doctor. As for now, I'm so stuck in my current situation.
After all these years, never in my life do I ever get number 1 in any situation. The best achievement so far is getting 4th rank in my academic during my senior high school and having to live with all the comparisons and stuff, I'm just sick of those. Frankly speaking, if you are not number 1, in many cases, u are nobody. Well this is what I felt of the society, even my family members used to think of me like that, or perhaps it's only my immature thoughts of them on me. Honestly, I am the type of person who really care about how other people look on me, and I hate being underestimated, especially by family members. Although it is still tolerable when people criticize us, since we couldn’t control their mouth and that’s their opinion, but as for family members, it is intolerable for me because family members should accept whatever we are and continue to support and embrace us whenever we needed them the most.
Having said that, the life in Australia is completely different with Malaysia in many aspects, in terms of lifestyle, food, weather, entertainment and most importantly the currency exchange rate! From the first day I stepped into this Kangaroo country, I marked it as my new chapter of life with new environment, new challenges, new lifestyle and whatnot. I tried so hard not to care about anything other than my studies and three months have passed since the day I came and I survived so far. Until recently, it came to my attention that I have lost a lot of weight, as many of my friends when meeting me were quite shocked seeing me being so much skinny than before.
Honestly, I have never in my life being fat before, but at least when I was in Malaysia I’m considered skinny but not this skinny. Before I came here, I told myself that in Australia I’m going to be a low profile person, don’t care about looks, don’t need to always be well groomed when going outside as no one knows me, and my mom also kept reminding me that I’m here to study, not being a model or celeb. However, when I looked in the mirror, I started to feel many changes in me. It’s like I’m out of character as I’m in rare form. As for friends who really knew me, they would know it’s not the norm cause I’m doing things that I normally won’t do. The way I look is totally the opposite of what I was before, which makes me feel insecure. I used to have a self-esteem problem and it has somehow disappeared, but it seems to come back again.
Somehow, I felt I need to find myself back, as this is not myself. How I wish I can tell myself the old me’s gone as I feel brand new, and if you don’t like it, Fuck You! But I couldn’t, as I couldn’t live in this lie. I’m not being who I am, and it’s torturing not being myself for quite sometimes. Nonetheless, I need to regain myself in a way that could adjust in this new environment and strengthen my self-control. Thinking back on the days I had before coming to Australia, I just realized how blessed my life was with good caring friends that not everyone has, able to travel quickly and conveniently with car and abundant entertainment options, just to name a few.
People often say that sometimes we need to experience a loss to be able to appreciate what we have and that’s what I’m experiencing right now. Either in Indonesia or Malaysia, I’m able to have satisfied everything that I want and I need at the same time. Although in Australia, I have everything that I need but not everything that I want, I’m still grateful that I have the opportunity to study here and experiencing different cultures, environment and whatnot. Life is all about making choices and in order to make choices, sometimes we have to sacrifice something for another great things. Hence, I have to stop complain and learn to be grateful for things that I have instead of things that I don’t have, as the number 1 enemy of being grateful is taking something for granted which makes us forget how miserable it would be if we didn’t have it. Thus, being grateful makes us see the bright side of life that turns us into positive people.
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The title of this post actually reflects what i felt recently, especially these couple days. I didn't know why, well actually i knew why, but that's not important. Let's talk about the saddest part of it. As you all may know that mother's day is around the corner, which is this Sunday, May 9th, I thought of calling my mom few days earlier, which was yesterday, and i really didnt expect any bad news since i was almost always online and i didn't hear any news whatsoever from my sis. Actually there were both good news and bad news. Let's talk about the bad news first.
Well, the bad news was that my mom fell and hurt herself very badly, i was shocked when i heard that. From what she told me, her whole body was like bruises everywhere and she even broke her tooth. I really could not imagine that happen to her and my heart felt very pain. The good news is that thank god she is fine now, based on what the doctor has said, luckily my mom fell forward and not backward, since if she fell backward, the consequence may be fatal. I was wondering how my mom could have fallen and apparently she said when she just woke up, she directly got up from bed and suddenly felt dizzy and fell to the floor. Gosh, i'm so worried, because this has never happened before, she never felt dizzy and whatnot. Having said that, i'm still very thankful to god that she's fine now.
Well, the bad news was that my mom fell and hurt herself very badly, i was shocked when i heard that. From what she told me, her whole body was like bruises everywhere and she even broke her tooth. I really could not imagine that happen to her and my heart felt very pain. The good news is that thank god she is fine now, based on what the doctor has said, luckily my mom fell forward and not backward, since if she fell backward, the consequence may be fatal. I was wondering how my mom could have fallen and apparently she said when she just woke up, she directly got up from bed and suddenly felt dizzy and fell to the floor. Gosh, i'm so worried, because this has never happened before, she never felt dizzy and whatnot. Having said that, i'm still very thankful to god that she's fine now.
The second bad news is that my auntie, she suddenly felt sick. My mom told me that she's having complication. As far as i know, her health condition was not very good these past few years. But from what i heard, this time around, her health is getting worse and worse. I felt really sad, as you may know, she has been taking care of me since i was only six months old, although we are not family as we don't share the same bloodline, but we already treat her as part of our family. Sometimes, i felt myself so useless since i still cannot do anything about it. I'm still studying and haven't been working watsoever. I cannot help much about it. I really hope that i can finish my course faster and graduate. By the time i get a stable job, I really hope that i still have the opportunity to pay back or at least help her by any means. Hope she will get well soon.
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